Online Dating- it's not your mother's first date...

There comes a time in a single woman’s life when she comes to the realization that finding love the old fashion way may be impossible- at least it feels that way. It’s usually after perusing facebook after too many glasses of wine and seeing everyone post about their engagements/weddings/kids and then you think- shit, I’d better hurry this thing up! I live in a city that is filled with drunk frat boys (which I am not totally opposed to- more on this later) or married men (which I am opposed to- that ends here).

Believe you me, I have tried the whole making yourself appear available and open (it’s all in the energy you put out there man- says that hippy friend of yours) to making small talk/googley eyes in places like the grocery store or the gym or the gas station.  But then as you are making eyes with the cutie in aisle 7, his girlfriend approaches from behind with a “hey sweetie.” Bitch.  So this is when we make exceptions to our rules about never succumbing to things like “Events and Adventures” (which requires an interview- um, no I don’t know where I see myself in 5 years?!?!? Where the hell am I?) and did I mention it costs almost two grand to join that shit?!?!  No thank you. Then there is speed dating (more on this later) and oh yes, the joys of online dating.

I would like to punch the person in the face that invented online dating, punch him in the face (cause you know it’s a man) while he is sitting in his giant pile of money. The profiles that both men AND women post are entirely glossy and devoid of any real substance (and don’t front like you don’t peep at the ladies, we need to see the competition out there!). These profiles are supposed to be there to assist with understanding someone better and claim to be the key in making these connections- well I call bullshit.

These profiles are basically lists of generic positive attributes…so let’s see, “I like spending time outdoors, friends and family are important to me, I like to travel, I like working out” blah blah blah.  Really? Can you be anymore unoriginal? You might as well say “I am so boring during sex you can balance your checkbook while we are doing it”. That I would appreciate, it’s honest and I like multi-tasking.  And then there are the photos. As much as I enjoy looking at a hot bod, if there are numerous shirtless photos of yourself, it screams, “I’m more into myself than I will ever be into you!” Delete. If you have 15 plus photos of your house/pets/vacation spots/car and none of yourself, I see “I have no personality!” Delete. And if you don’t show teeth when you smile in any of your photos, I tell myself, “dude needs a dentist, STAT!” Delete. If you don’t have any photos at all, you get an automatic delete.  If you show up online at one of these sites and immediately instant message with: “I am not quick at everything, wink wink” you will never hear from me again.

Let me break it down for you to make your life easier:

“1 in every 5 marriages start on an online dating site.” Match.com - 1 in 5 marriages also begin in rehab, jail or are arranged in India. You wanna go stat for stat?!?!? 50% of marriages end in divorce and there is a better chance of me winning Keno at my local packy than finding a match on your site. I’ve done the math.

“You’re not looking for lots of dates, just better ones.” eHarmony – which is just match.com’s uglier younger brother.  

Christian Mingles- you want to bring Jesus into this? Not even He can help you find a date on here.

“Plenty of Fish has more dates, more relationships, more visits than any other dating sight.” – It’s a booty call!!

OkCupid-   It’s free, enough said there- and ain’t nobody got time for that.