Online Dating- it's not your mother's first date...

There comes a time in a single woman’s life when she comes to the realization that finding love the old fashion way may be impossible- at least it feels that way. It’s usually after perusing facebook after too many glasses of wine and seeing everyone post about their engagements/weddings/kids and then you think- shit, I’d better hurry this thing up! I live in a city that is filled with drunk frat boys (which I am not totally opposed to- more on this later) or married men (which I am opposed to- that ends here).

Believe you me, I have tried the whole making yourself appear available and open (it’s all in the energy you put out there man- says that hippy friend of yours) to making small talk/googley eyes in places like the grocery store or the gym or the gas station.  But then as you are making eyes with the cutie in aisle 7, his girlfriend approaches from behind with a “hey sweetie.” Bitch.  So this is when we make exceptions to our rules about never succumbing to things like “Events and Adventures” (which requires an interview- um, no I don’t know where I see myself in 5 years?!?!? Where the hell am I?) and did I mention it costs almost two grand to join that shit?!?!  No thank you. Then there is speed dating (more on this later) and oh yes, the joys of online dating.

I would like to punch the person in the face that invented online dating, punch him in the face (cause you know it’s a man) while he is sitting in his giant pile of money. The profiles that both men AND women post are entirely glossy and devoid of any real substance (and don’t front like you don’t peep at the ladies, we need to see the competition out there!). These profiles are supposed to be there to assist with understanding someone better and claim to be the key in making these connections- well I call bullshit.

These profiles are basically lists of generic positive attributes…so let’s see, “I like spending time outdoors, friends and family are important to me, I like to travel, I like working out” blah blah blah.  Really? Can you be anymore unoriginal? You might as well say “I am so boring during sex you can balance your checkbook while we are doing it”. That I would appreciate, it’s honest and I like multi-tasking.  And then there are the photos. As much as I enjoy looking at a hot bod, if there are numerous shirtless photos of yourself, it screams, “I’m more into myself than I will ever be into you!” Delete. If you have 15 plus photos of your house/pets/vacation spots/car and none of yourself, I see “I have no personality!” Delete. And if you don’t show teeth when you smile in any of your photos, I tell myself, “dude needs a dentist, STAT!” Delete. If you don’t have any photos at all, you get an automatic delete.  If you show up online at one of these sites and immediately instant message with: “I am not quick at everything, wink wink” you will never hear from me again.

Let me break it down for you to make your life easier:

“1 in every 5 marriages start on an online dating site.” Match.com - 1 in 5 marriages also begin in rehab, jail or are arranged in India. You wanna go stat for stat?!?!? 50% of marriages end in divorce and there is a better chance of me winning Keno at my local packy than finding a match on your site. I’ve done the math.

“You’re not looking for lots of dates, just better ones.” eHarmony – which is just match.com’s uglier younger brother.  

Christian Mingles- you want to bring Jesus into this? Not even He can help you find a date on here.

“Plenty of Fish has more dates, more relationships, more visits than any other dating sight.” – It’s a booty call!!

OkCupid-   It’s free, enough said there- and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Beginnings

I talk a lot of shit, not all the time- but sometimes I talk shit. I've been talking shit about writing a blog for awhile. I know exactly what this blog will be about, but since I am mayor of procrastination town and secretary of technologically illiterate-ville, I have not attempted this task, yet. However, yesterday a situation arose which was so ridiculous that I had to move forward and stop talking shit and start doing shit.

I always knew this blog would be about the tales and unbelievable encounters that my girlfriends and I have experienced while traveling through the world of dating/sex/relationships/love (in no particular order). I've heard some stories! I have laughed at these stories, sometimes I've cried during these stories. I am currently single so I still live this life, sometimes I laugh at my life and there was a time when I cried through my life. But mostly, I want to laugh and I want other people to realize that it is okay to laugh at their life because if it  is happening to me- it is probably happening to you. And it is okay! Am I cynical? Maybe, depends who you ask and if I have taken my anti-depressants consistently that week. Am I a hopeless romantic? Never, but that may also depend on my pharmaceutical intake that week. What I am is someone who wants to believe in love and is finally enjoying the journey towards love. I am a listener of stories that deserve to be shared, and I know I am not alone in this.

So back to the antecedent event which prompted me to finally stop talking smack and get off my ass and write the damn thing. I recently dated this guy, not even that recently- like 3 months ago. Things started off good, as they always do, blah blah. We went on some fun dates, had intimate, intense conversations about life and love- he seemed like a stand-up dude. And being that I am a young woman in the prime of her sexual life and he was a younger, hot, sexy gentleman- we did the horizontal mambo. Then he lost it, like bat shit crazy lost it. Studies show that it is usually the female that loses it after the initial sexual encounter, but in this case- it was him. He knew my age, I am an honest person- and knowing that I was older than him, he made the brilliant assumption that I wanted to procreate with him, now, right then and there. After knowing this dude for a short time, he was so amazing that I had to have his babies- yes, that is it!!!! My life is so empty and desolate and I have so much time to raise a child right now- please impregnate me!!! Being the smart woman that I am, I was actually on birth control at that time- protecting myself from spawning this weirdos children. He knew this, but that didn't seem to matter to him. He was positive that I wanted to have his children and wouldn't let this go. To top it off, like a respectful gentleman that he was- he communicated all of this through text messages. Like paragraphs and pages of texts, I'm all set with that and refuse to communicate like a 13-year old girl. So I told him to fuck off. And then 3 months later he sends me this:

So thank you crazy pants McGee for inspiring me to finally start this blog and finding the bright side to yet another whacked-out situation. But no thank you, I do not want to have your babies- ain't nobody got time for that.